Hi lovescape, I’m Jeremy. Yes I’m a guy who thinks that he’s falling in love with his best friend that is a guy too. My best friend’s name is Mike. We practically grew up together. We learned how to play basketball at the same time. We even went to the same doctor to be circumcised at the same time. We were inseparable. Mike always protected me from other people that seems to harm me along the way. I also think that in school, I got a little more respected when they knew that I was Mike’s best friend. Let’s just say that I really looked like a nerd then and Mike was the hunk that chics really liked. I knew he was the type who just went on from one fling to another. At first I didn’t mind until, she came.

Oh, the golden goddess that left him in awe. The devil’s name was Darla. He would go to my place in wee hours of the night just so he could speak of his true feelings for his Darla. Yes, he would literally climb up the tree to reach my window as cute as he is that way, but all just so he could have someone to talk to about his Darla. God knows how irritated I was, and that’s the time when I found out… I was in love with my best friend. There were times that I didn’t know how to react around him. We would shower in the locker room together and can I just say that I think his butt is cute? Oh, that was the time that I already knew that I had a thing for men and nice asses. Sigh, I even remembered the time that Mike brought his first porn magazine and showed it to me. He was engrossed with it and I didn’t even feel the slightest of interest looking at naked bodies of women. I remembered staring at a naked woman’s boobs for an hour just so to analyze if I could feel something, but there was none there. Yet little did I know that I’m falling for my best friend.

It was in the usual hang out place of people from my school. Darla just dropped by I guess to get something to drink, she was in a motorcycle when she parked out front, just in her helmet when she came in. As she removed her helmet, Mike saw her and he was just mesmerized. Oh the freak just had to go and make his moves, of course he got her number but she gave him a little challenge to get it. I don’t have to go into details but I hated it.

He told me that they started talking over the phone already for quite sometime and he’s finding more and more reasons why he thinks that he has met his match. I don’t know lovescape, but I just felt that hurt inside my chest every time he would let me feel how into her he is. I just knew I had to make a move, a quick move to make him see that I’m the one he wants to be with, that he’s been in love with me for so long, just as I had been in love with him. So this is what I did, after school I hurried to go to my mother’s closet and see what she had in store. I took out a not so bad looking dress. I stood in front of the mirror and put the dress in font of me. Then automatically I said to myself, “Oh my God what am I doing?”. I can’t feel myself being a cross dresser. It just doesn’t feel right. So I automatically dropped the dress on the floor and ran in my room. I looked at myself again in front of the mirror. I remembered that my mom gave me contact lenses for my eyes and now is the perfect time to wear them. Then I was trying so hard to put them in my eyes and get rid of the thick framed glasses I was currently wearing. I looked at myself again in the mirror, I realized my hairstyle had no style and the clothes I wore was hideous. I looked inside my closet and there was nothing interesting to wear. And I remembered that my mom gave me a credit card. So I went out, got myself a new hair cut and started shopping for new clothes. I groomed myself to death that day but I didn’t care how much it cost, the next day my best friend would see me in a different light and that would mean the world to me.

The day had come, and I would have to look the best that I could be. I was walking in the hallway and I noticed girls checking me out, I thought I could be the slightest flattered about the situation, but turns out that I was disgusted, especially with some girls who used to make fun of me suddenly leaves a bit of a touch over my shoulder and asks me if I’m new in school. I didn’t mind them, I just went on walking and I guess the other girls felt like I was the man when they saw me brush off one of the popular girls in school, but they didn’t know, I had a heart of a woman that is trapped in a man’s body. That all the while that I was walking through the hallway, I was just eyeing for the apple of my eyes, my Mike.

Then there he was as he was just about to open his locker. I said the usual “ey” to him. He didn’t seem to have noticed me or looked at me but when I started opening my locker. He looked at my locker and looked at me then he said, “ Jeremy! Is that you? My God, what’s up with the new look? Have you met someone?”. He seemed to be surprised but not the kind of surprise I was hoping for. He even said that he’s willing to go out with me one night or hook me up with one of Darla’s friends because he says for sure girls would dig me. My God, and as he was having his arm around my shoulder, he started talking about Darla again, I wanted to cry. Girls were looking at me and it was not the kind of attention I was hoping for and he went on talking about Darla and that he was planning about a romantic night with her at prom. With every thought, my heart was already breaking, I said to myself “Why doesn’t Mike want to go to the prom with me?”. I just sobbed it all inside and I felt weak and just wanted to cry in his arms but I couldn’t. I knew I had to be strong and I knew that the hallway was not the safe place and the right time to come out to him.

Then I thought of a great plan, I had to pick one of the prettiest girls in school to make him jealous, and once he’s jealous and decides to walk away, I’ll come running after him and I’ll confess to him my true feelings. I’ll tell him that I love him and it was him all along and then we’ll kiss and from that night on we’ll be together forever! I had that fantasy playing on and on in my head.

So there I was, walking along the hallway, trying to pick which girl I think Mike would get jealous of. Then I stopped as I realized that I have found the one and her name is Kristen. Oh she’s the perfect bomb, if I was to be a woman; I would want to look exactly like her. But then again, I’m new at this, but what the heck I didn’t really care. So I approached her and asked if she already had a date for prom. And I heard some of the girls giggling. Then she came closer and asked, “why do you ask?”. So I just said, “come with me”, she just came close and gave me a kiss on the cheek, whispered in my ear to say, “pick me up then”.

I knew I had to look dashing that night as I was to confess my love to him. It had been years, and in this senior prom was my last chance to make things happen and finally be in his arms. It was my last chance to have him know before he leaves town for college. And there I was, just in my ultimate dashing period, and of course I had to pick Kristen up at her place. As when Kristen and I arrived at prom, I saw him, there he was, just as handsome as he could naturally be in a tux that best suite his body. He was with Darla of course as he was putting in some punch in a cup to bring to her. At that time he was just so all over Darla, dancing and all, I just had to catch his attention a little more. So there I was, asking Kristen to dance with me, and as I was dancing with her just trying to get the drift on things, we met them on the dance floor. The fast song had finished and there came the slow dance, I had no choice but to move closer to Kristen as she had her arm around my neck. I was looking at Mike and Darla, I really had to catch their attention and Kirsten was a bit all over me. She was trying to caress my nape and so on then she slowly wanted to slip my hand down near her ass. Oh my God I never knew that Kristen was such a slut, but I needed it anyway, and I saw that Mike was about to kiss Darla, of course I had to make it stop, so I went on and kissed Kristen. Oh my, the things you do for love! As Kristen was enjoying the kiss, Mike still went on kissing Darla. My goodness, I was crushed again. I just had to stop from kissing Kristen. That fantasy of mine crumbled down. I just told Kristen that I just needed fresh air and I had to go out. There was no Mike that followed me, he was all smitten by this Darla girl. I ran to the car and I wanted to burst out. But then I saw him chasing after Darla, the kiss of Mike and Dalra didn’t turn out to be that great I guess, so I thought lucky for me . I saw Darla push him away and poor Mike, he was helpless, but again lucky me. So I drove and took Mike in and he told me that Darla didn’t’ feel that it was right, that she got in a dead end relationship and just went away. So I thought to myself, good for her to be that dumb to let him go so I could have Mike all for myself. I took Mike to that field that we would usually hang out in when we were young just to star gaze and most of the time wait for aliens to come by and capture us.

When we arrived to the field that night she just began talking about Darla and how he thought she was the one and that Darla was the only one who made her feel that way. But thank God, the rest was like talking about life and how we perceived life to be. So when the night would almost end, he thanked me and gave me warm embrace, I didn’t know what came out of me that night that when I felt his arms around me, I just grabbed his face and kissed his lips. I froze, and as I opened my eyes, I saw him just looking at me. Then he asked, "what was that all about?" So I confessed to him my feelings and I began to cry, he was just quiet and staring in oblivion. I didn’t know what to do. I never saw him that silent in all of years we were friends. I was teary eyed and I just told him that I’ll bring him home, he quietly went to the passenger seat and I drove off to drop him at his place. And when I dropped him, he just got out and said nothing.

Lovescape help me please, I don’t want to loose Mike, I love him so much but I feel as though I lost our friendship. What do I do, I can’t live with the fact that he just went silent on me. I can’t live with the fact that my brink of honestly had jeopardized are friendship.

Advice for Jeremy:

Hi Jeremy, it’s a good thing that you’ve come to an understanding of your true gender. In that aspect you are truly lucky since you found out at a young age, so you may be able to plan your life in a way that does not need to go on hiding. Discover yourself more, and there are a lot of places and people who go through the same phase as you. In no time, you will feel that you belong. I’m glad to say that at least in this aspect, you have been able to figure out for yourself who you really are. There’s nothing wrong with loving someone Jeremy, it’s not your fault if you chose to show your true feelings for someone. It was necessary for you especially in your situation then with him when you kept all the hurt that you felt. The truth has one way of showing and it’s a good thing that it came from you instead of him finding out in a different way. This would have been more of a difficult situation.

Speaking of truth, you know it in your heart Jeremy, that Mike is not into guys and that he’s wholeheartedly into girls. So that’s just something you would have to accept and let’s just hope that things will simmer down eventually.

Mike is your best friend, and if he truly is, he will see for a fact that you were just being true to him and to yourself. It might be a big change for him but you two have been through a lot already, and you guys have been best of friends. Something like this will hopefully be a little something that just got in a way. He’ll come in his senses in no time, but at least leave 20% doubt if he will, so you won’t expect too much.

Jeremy, it seems like in your letter, you are a good looking guy, so this means that there is a lot of good looking guys out there, and your journey had just begun. It will be a fun filled one depending on how you perceive things to be. You’ll find the love of your life somewhere, where they are just out there and you’ll just feel like you belong. For you, life truly had just begun so you can go on and face it.